Hello, Writing

 Let me try this writing prompt by Hillary Lianna Mcbride:

A sound, a sight, a smell, a touch, a taste.

SOUND: Muffled bass booming from a faraway highway loudspeaker, the sound traveling to our location, thanks to the wind.

SIGHT: Klara hunched over the floor, practically lying facedown trying to reach under the low table,  picking up her small, colorful pom pom balls; red, white, green, black, purple, yellow, blue. Rainbow colors scattered, bright and neon, a bright splash over the cold white tiles, trying to be contained in a plastic canister.

SMELL: A whiff of poop! 

TOUCH: The sticky, gooey, eewy texture of slime. Indescribable to me, but perhaps even more so for the toddler, who felt the feeling for the first time! It was incredibly sticky and bothersome to the touch, but at the same time, wet and stretchy, like it didn't know if it wanted to be liquid or solid. It left a film on our hands and Klara couldn't bear it.

TASTE: Salty cheddar cheese, the artificial cheese kind, that sticks to your fingers and your white shirt and leaves red-orange crumb trails everywhere.

That was actually a little fun :)

Gotta Do My Homework

Choosing to take a step back from my usually more systematic, organized and pa-deep way of journaling insights, and just spontaneously writing what I want to remember.

Because tonight, after another long while, I felt triggered by my own (chain of) behaviours again, and prompted to just take note of what I want to change...and God knows, maybe this time I won't forget.

Tonight's bible study was on 1 Kings 22, and some inspiring lessons from the story's characters include...

• From King Jehoshaphat: Ask God first! Before any decision, His opinion must have the greatest weight, we should always consult Him first.
• From the Lord's prophet Micaiah: Do not be afraid to deliver the God's message, even if there are possible consequences. (In his case, it was imprisonment.)
• From King Ahab: Know whose counsel to seek -- are your listening to Godly advice? Or are you just consulting people who you know will give you the advice you want to hear (but not necessarily good for you?) And if/when God gives you a "NO", how do you respond? Do you disregard the "no" and continue to do things your way? Or do you follow His instruction, even if the "no" is against your plan / instinct / desire?

What awesome reminders for day-to-day life!

However, as the sharings progressed through the night, and as I continued to listen to each lady's struggles as well as to my own voice, I was reminded of how un-joyful I've been in my own waiting (for God's direction). While I was so grateful to hear all the realizations that was so candidly brought to the table, I simultaneously felt turned off by how I shared my own struggles in hearing God's repetitive "no" in my life.

Not so much on what I said, but as I've come to notice more and more about myself, it's more about how I said / say things (i.e., attitude), that gives away what's innately in my heart.

I complained as if I didn't trust God's plan (I do). I grumbled as if I didn't know of His capacity to give and love (I won't ever understand the full extent, but I know it's greater than I can ever imagine). I expressed envy about how Micaiah could so easily hear God's voice, as if I didn't know He speaks to us in different ways. I muttered and mumbled about what I've been "doing", but really, I know it's not about the laundry list of what we do/don't do that matters to Him, but how our hearts are transformed while we prayerfully, expectedly wait.

It's not far from what I was reflecting on the other night: About how embarrassing I can act when I let my expectations get ahead of myself. Instead of just enjoying and appreciating the things I CAN do while I'm pregnant -- my climbing, in particular -- I felt discouraged and down that I don't get to do it the level that I want to. Ugh. Talk about a very simple way of God saying "no" to me just for this season in my life, and me not being able to accept it!

In short, I am reminded that it's not about me and my issues on "is God for real or not?", but about me not really knowing His character enough, which just leads to my age-old, long-overdue homework of spending regular, quality quiet time with Him and His word.

So yes, the core of all my prayers as of late -- as He has been prompting me in the past 2-3 weeks -- is this: That I become diligent in doing my quiet time so that I get to know Him in ways I've never known Him before. 

And after this evening's bible study, this prayer is supplemented with an objective: I pray the above so that, hopefully, I get to hear Him more clearly; so my heart's desire becomes aligned with His plans for me; and life stops becoming about repetitive cycles on waiting for God to say "yes" or "no" or "maybe".

When I stop focusing solely on complying with the prescribed steps to get certain results, perhaps I will find the joy in the process of discovering God's best.

On Glorifying God

I’ve long been bothered by the notion that everyone is innately selfish.

It’s not a positive concept. But ever since I slipped, doing something I never thought I could possibly do — despite open-eyed awareness, and conscious willpower to try and avoid it — I’ve acknowledged that there is something negative controlling us. Like a tiny Dr. Evil waiting for opportunities to fuel our greedy ambitions, a Selfish Monster sits inside of each person, not dragging us around like a slave every minute of our lives, but occasionally striking our knees, causing us to stumble and give in to temptation.

Thought I haven’t given it much thought in a long time, I know that it’s a belief I’ve carried ever since. On it I blame my sporadic cynicism, as well as fits of hopelessness, helplessness, and “emotional breakdowns”. And upon hearing Francis Chan’s message, I also can’t help but point to the Selfish Monster for causing this world to evolve into the selfie generation.

For men will be lovers of self, lovers of money, boastful, arrogant, revilers, disobedient to parents, ungrateful, unholy, unloving, irreconcilable, malicious gossips, without self-control, brutal, haters of good, treacherous, reckless, conceited, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God, 

2 Timothy 3:2-4 (NASB)

Francis Chan warned us — as Paul wrote to Timothy — of a certain kind of future when “difficult times will come”, and how today’s generation (myself included) already shows much of the symptoms of this difficult time “to come”. Because don’t we just see ourselves in those horrible descriptions at this present time? If you don’t, well, in all honesty, I know I do! At this day and age, I am or have been guilty of these behaviours at one point in my life, and I don’t need to wait 10 or 50 or a hundred years more to get a glimpse of what Paul is warning us about.

Seeing a Selfish Monster in myself, I can’t help but also recognize how there are so many things to dislike in this world. If we don’t crumble from the external pressures and persecution, there are lies and deceit that can manipulate us from the inside. The Oscar Wilde quote from a Company of Thieves song rings loud in my ear:

We are each our own devil, and we make this world our hell.

Speaking of demons from within, it excites me to find some progress in my faith walk, when God allowed me today to come to terms with one of my not-so-thought-about and unexpressed but deeply-rooted questions: “Why does God insist on being glorified?”

As I read through some texts about the topic, I found that this October 1984 sermon by John Piper to be most helpful.  And the way I understand it is this: God does not insist to be “glorified” as if he was a self-centered egomaniac, demanding his subjects to kiss his feet 24/7. 

First of all, it’s important to be aligned on why we glorify something in the first place, and the way C.S. Lewis explains this is that we would normally glorify (or praise or give honor to) anything that gives us enjoyment (“all enjoyment spontaneously overflows into praise”).Think about anything you admire or draw enjoyment from; wouldn’t you desire to express your appreciation to whoever is responsible for that thing/event/source of happiness?

Secondly, if one acknowledges that God is indeed the all-powerful, sovereign creator of all things and author of all of our lives, then surely He deserves all the honor and glory and praise above everything/everyone else! 

Thirdly, he asks us to glorify Him not for the sake of his ego (which he doesn’t have) nor for him to “feel good about himself” (which is usually why we humans seek affirmation or words of comfort). John Piper in this sermon also states it well:

God cannot be made more glorious or more beautiful than he is. He cannot be improved, “nor is he served by human hands, as though he needed anything” (Acts 17:25). Glorify does not mean add more glory to God.

From Max Anders:

If anything matters more to us than God, then we are giving higher glory to something else… and if that thing is taken away from us, as it may easily be, we are shattered…God wants us to grow, to increase, to “become,” to the point that we actually perceive His weight accurately, and accurately perceiving it, we glorify Him as the greatest value in life.

God instructs us (even the heavens and the skies above, see Psalm 19:1) to glorify Him because he wants us to stay focused on Him, for our own good. Because only by focusing on Him, on His goodness, mercy and grace, can we break free from our addiction to ourselves. And from my point of view, I’d say it’s the only way I know how to break free from my bondage from my Selfish Monster. 

Day 20: A Memorable Adventure

There’s definitely so much to take in about the city. Each monument had an anecdote to reveal, each random corner a story to tell. It was impossible to see Paris and not be taken back in time.

It’s also impossible to memorize all the facts that we came across.

But what I do remember are the moments.

No, these are NOT the times when I was speed-reading how “The New Paris” was built, nor when I was chasing street signs to find out if Miel and I were going the right direction. They are, I feel, the moments when we let the right side of the brain take over, and let the body do what it pleased; when we walked a little further than intended, took a pause and sat down, or just let the eyes, ears and nose wander.

Travel writer Pico Iyer said this in one article:

Adventure today means finding one’s way back to the silence and stillness of a thousand years ago.

I took it quite literally, when he referred to discovering the silence and stillness, or the mundane-ness of the past. But I think it does warrant extra focus to be able to quiet the distracted mind, especially when my finger would keep itching to grab my multi-tasking smart phone, that I do catch my brain ordering myself to just stay still, and savor the moment.

A few of my favorite moments are (in no particular order):

1. Having lunch at 2:15 PM on our way to the Musee d’Orsay. This is after we both agreed that our tummies needed the replenishment, and we just abruptly stopped walking at the next café we saw that offered al fresco seating. They served wonderful pasta, offered great service. And because it was almost 3pm, our mid-meal “entertainment” was the restaurant staff taking nicotine breaks with their neighboring café workers, or others, doing mid-day duties of receiving supplier deliveries of meats and packaged goods.

2. After finding out that we couldn’t get into the Musee de l’Armee (national military museum) after walking all the way from the Eiffel Tower, we decided to rest on a bench at the fronting park. We just rested as dogs and humans would pass us by. Not too far off was a teacher-student pair, practicing Tai Chi. This was 1:30 in the afternoon.

3. Walking along a street lined with identical-looking structures. Same color stones, same window designs, same balcony railings, same embellishments. All looking like they were for residential use, but with interesting architecture, nonetheless. At one point, after seeing several of them, I decided to walk up closer and read the etching on the upper corner of the door. The building, apparently, was built in 1909. And those alongside it? Yes, all over one hundred years old.

4.  Staring up, down, left and right as we stood at the top-most level inside the Musee d’Orsay. Its main hall just screams “I USED TO BE A TRAIN STATION”, which it obviously is, but being there remained a surreal experience. The natural light bleeding in from all directions, the heavy lines and arches, the perfect patterns on bending surfaces, and the huge clocks…Truly worthy to be showcased in the 1900 International Exhibition as one of France’s artistic and technological achievements.

5. Sitting on the steps of the Sacre Coeur, listening to a solo artist (seated a few steps away from us) with her guitar and loop recorder, gazing at the Paris rooftops as it transformed from bright white to yellow to gray. All at the same time, inhaling some second-hand smoke and hearing the buzz of every other tourist (like us), as the sun set on the city.

Truly it is impossible to tour Paris in a day. There was just too much to see, and trying to ram the detail of every alley, lamppost, mailbox, railing, and manhole cover just left me more anxious than amazed.

But  I learn that the fault is in my perspective; that a place is never meant to be “toured”.

Instead, and as Miel and I experienced ourselves, strolling around Paris makes for a much better objective than touring it. And in the end, taking those leisurely steps from one street crossing to the next; glimpsing into the window display of a quaint shop; or sniffing the sweetness that escaped the slightly-open patisserie door; already made it a memorable adventure.

Eiffel Tower base

Painting appreciation

An unfinished Rodin

Tourist gathering at the steps of the Sacre Coeur

Tired, but happy

Day 19: Hello, Paris!

It was time to say au revoir to Connaux. In a span of over two weeks, two professional climbers welcomed us into their home and let us peek into what their life is like. They opened our eyes to the vastness of rock climbing in their part of the world, and now it was time to let all the sensations sink in and be processed.

We inevitably reached this point: The moment to go back to our port of entry into France, which is Paris. This time, though, we will be spending two nights in the capital to get our fair share of “touristy” things, and ideally, also a fair amount of cultural schooling. 

I let my optimism take over me and looked forward to seeing what is nicknamed the City of Light (or to others, the City of Love). Paris, once a Roman city, has been in existence since the 3rd Century BC! With the city’s age comes its rich history, and I excited myself over the fact that I’d get to see all this beauty, art and complex personality in the flesh.

I terribly needed to divert my attention to all these wonderful facts about Paris, otherwise, I’d probably end up bawling as we exchanged hugs with Caroline in the train station. It’s so tough to keep a straight face when you feel like there’s so much you received undeservedly.

Luckily, Miel and I had extra distraction to control our swelling emotions: Carrying 30 kilos (each) on our backs and another 7-10 kilos in front, for an almost three-hour journey from Avignon to our Airbnb in Gare du Nord, Paris. So after a sullen, quiet train ride, we had to snap back to exploration mode and let those leg, back and core muscles back to work.

Train station of Avignon. Ah, I can get used to this lighting! *heart heart heart*

Picture-picture while waiting for the train

One minute to train arrival. Bawal ma-late.

Sitting at the RNR stairs. Hindi na kaya lumayo sa pinto!

From the SNCF train that took us from outside Paris into the city, we had to transfer to an RNR train (a network that serves both inner Paris with and outer regions), and then to the Metro, which is the main train network inside Paris. Our Metro stop in Gare du Nord is located underground, and after struggling our way up the stairs with our expanded duffels, we finally saw Paris up close, and knew we were in for a different kind of adventure.

The first adventure, of course, is always finding the hotel, or in our case, the rented apartment which is supposed to just be a block down from the Metro station. I recall one similar incident of Miel and myself struggling to pinpoint the place we booked, and that was in English-speaking-deficient Yangshuo, China. Same as this scenario, we had heavy bags with us which seemed to eat up Miel’s patience (faster than usual, haha!) It took us only one turn to realize we weren’t walking towards the right street, but oddly enough, couldn’t get our bearings straight.

So same as that last time (and not without having to provoke each other a little with “bakit ba ang iksi ng pasensya mo?” and “bakit ba gusto mong mag-aksaya ng oras at lakas?”), we settled with putting down all our luggage at the spot where we started arguing. Miel would stay to watch our luggage while I would search for the apartment and return once I have the correct location and directions. Yes, things always have a way of straightening out ;-) Best part of it is that we weren’t far off at all, and were able to settle in quickly and reset ourselves for our first afternoon in Paris.

At the door of #2 Rue Sibour. We found the apartment!

As we had a dinner appointment somewhere along the Seine, we chose to spend the the earlier hours seeing the sights along the river, which, after checking out the map, already had many of the tourist attractions around it. And after a very quick ride on the Metro, we found ourselves standing in front of a glorious St. Michael statue, and behind us, a green river skirted by sepia-toned buildings and stone walls. This is what autumn must look like, I thought, with trees painted with greens and auburns, and warm sunlight gently resting on the various facades.

Map of Paris attractions

Tourists getting their photos with St. Michael (Fontaine Saint-Michel)

The River Seine. Plus clean, crisp, fresh breeze!

We saw the Notre Dame church and strolled along the river. We would occasionally stop to watch street performers, musicians, other tourists, or inspect the various knickknacks and souvenir shops that lined the river side. I was curious about all the book vendors that alternated with sellers of postcards and keychains, and wondered how these tiny bookstores played a part in Paris’ story.

Typical "bookseller" stall: So much books and prints for sale! 

Statue of Charlemagne in front of the Notre Dame

The grand Notre Dame Cathedral

Stained glass marvels

Locks, locks, locks

Graffiti artists finding other ways to make these locks more interesting :P

It turns out, our dinner was booked at a restaurant called Les Bouquinistes (which translates to “the booksellers”). The place was chosen by the French husband of a very good friend, Isla, who I used to climb and travel with many years ago, and the dinner turned out to be a reunion of sorts as we haven’t seen each other since she got married and had a baby, and now, happily settled in another country. In addition, we were joined by another French climber, Daniel, who Miel and Isla met in a climbing World Cup competition in China.

It was a wonderful time bonding over previous chapters of our lives, and refreshing each other about our current preoccupations. Isla and I had been wanting to meet up for so long, even when she was still in Manila and Hong Kong, and it’s ridiculous how we end up seeing each other 10,000 kilometers away from home. Meanwhile, Daniel and Miel last saw each over ten years ago! And did I say the food at the fancy restaurant was amazing?!

Me and Isla, reunited

Group shot!

Tomato Carpaccio...served with a sorbet!

They call it "Floating Island", I call it Canonigo ;)

After dinner, Daniel generously shared his time and led us on a walking tour of the city, taking us to see the Bridge of Locks, various monuments, the Louvre, and again the Notre Dame, this time beautifully lit up for the night. He pointed out cafes that he personally liked to visit, and recited facts about this and that statue (so sorry Daniel, it’s impossible to remember!) He made us pass through a park in the middle of the city, a triangle of land caught between a split section of the Seine River, where locals hang-out at night to play petanque, picnic, and drink beer.

Outside an empty Louvre. No lines at night! Haha

That's the triangular park where young professionals hang-out

We headed home with tired legs (and I don’t think it was just because Daniel walks fast!) As small as our apartment was – all 20 square meters of it – we looked forward to resting in our humble refuge in the cosmopolitan city. After a warm shower, and closing the metal accordion windows, we collapsed unto bed. A full day in Paris awaited us.