Gotta Do My Homework

Choosing to take a step back from my usually more systematic, organized and pa-deep way of journaling insights, and just spontaneously writing what I want to remember.

Because tonight, after another long while, I felt triggered by my own (chain of) behaviours again, and prompted to just take note of what I want to change...and God knows, maybe this time I won't forget.

Tonight's bible study was on 1 Kings 22, and some inspiring lessons from the story's characters include...

• From King Jehoshaphat: Ask God first! Before any decision, His opinion must have the greatest weight, we should always consult Him first.
• From the Lord's prophet Micaiah: Do not be afraid to deliver the God's message, even if there are possible consequences. (In his case, it was imprisonment.)
• From King Ahab: Know whose counsel to seek -- are your listening to Godly advice? Or are you just consulting people who you know will give you the advice you want to hear (but not necessarily good for you?) And if/when God gives you a "NO", how do you respond? Do you disregard the "no" and continue to do things your way? Or do you follow His instruction, even if the "no" is against your plan / instinct / desire?

What awesome reminders for day-to-day life!

However, as the sharings progressed through the night, and as I continued to listen to each lady's struggles as well as to my own voice, I was reminded of how un-joyful I've been in my own waiting (for God's direction). While I was so grateful to hear all the realizations that was so candidly brought to the table, I simultaneously felt turned off by how I shared my own struggles in hearing God's repetitive "no" in my life.

Not so much on what I said, but as I've come to notice more and more about myself, it's more about how I said / say things (i.e., attitude), that gives away what's innately in my heart.

I complained as if I didn't trust God's plan (I do). I grumbled as if I didn't know of His capacity to give and love (I won't ever understand the full extent, but I know it's greater than I can ever imagine). I expressed envy about how Micaiah could so easily hear God's voice, as if I didn't know He speaks to us in different ways. I muttered and mumbled about what I've been "doing", but really, I know it's not about the laundry list of what we do/don't do that matters to Him, but how our hearts are transformed while we prayerfully, expectedly wait.

It's not far from what I was reflecting on the other night: About how embarrassing I can act when I let my expectations get ahead of myself. Instead of just enjoying and appreciating the things I CAN do while I'm pregnant -- my climbing, in particular -- I felt discouraged and down that I don't get to do it the level that I want to. Ugh. Talk about a very simple way of God saying "no" to me just for this season in my life, and me not being able to accept it!

In short, I am reminded that it's not about me and my issues on "is God for real or not?", but about me not really knowing His character enough, which just leads to my age-old, long-overdue homework of spending regular, quality quiet time with Him and His word.

So yes, the core of all my prayers as of late -- as He has been prompting me in the past 2-3 weeks -- is this: That I become diligent in doing my quiet time so that I get to know Him in ways I've never known Him before. 

And after this evening's bible study, this prayer is supplemented with an objective: I pray the above so that, hopefully, I get to hear Him more clearly; so my heart's desire becomes aligned with His plans for me; and life stops becoming about repetitive cycles on waiting for God to say "yes" or "no" or "maybe".

When I stop focusing solely on complying with the prescribed steps to get certain results, perhaps I will find the joy in the process of discovering God's best.

On Glorifying God

I’ve long been bothered by the notion that everyone is innately selfish.

It’s not a positive concept. But ever since I slipped, doing something I never thought I could possibly do — despite open-eyed awareness, and conscious willpower to try and avoid it — I’ve acknowledged that there is something negative controlling us. Like a tiny Dr. Evil waiting for opportunities to fuel our greedy ambitions, a Selfish Monster sits inside of each person, not dragging us around like a slave every minute of our lives, but occasionally striking our knees, causing us to stumble and give in to temptation.

Thought I haven’t given it much thought in a long time, I know that it’s a belief I’ve carried ever since. On it I blame my sporadic cynicism, as well as fits of hopelessness, helplessness, and “emotional breakdowns”. And upon hearing Francis Chan’s message, I also can’t help but point to the Selfish Monster for causing this world to evolve into the selfie generation.

For men will be lovers of self, lovers of money, boastful, arrogant, revilers, disobedient to parents, ungrateful, unholy, unloving, irreconcilable, malicious gossips, without self-control, brutal, haters of good, treacherous, reckless, conceited, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God, 

2 Timothy 3:2-4 (NASB)

Francis Chan warned us — as Paul wrote to Timothy — of a certain kind of future when “difficult times will come”, and how today’s generation (myself included) already shows much of the symptoms of this difficult time “to come”. Because don’t we just see ourselves in those horrible descriptions at this present time? If you don’t, well, in all honesty, I know I do! At this day and age, I am or have been guilty of these behaviours at one point in my life, and I don’t need to wait 10 or 50 or a hundred years more to get a glimpse of what Paul is warning us about.

Seeing a Selfish Monster in myself, I can’t help but also recognize how there are so many things to dislike in this world. If we don’t crumble from the external pressures and persecution, there are lies and deceit that can manipulate us from the inside. The Oscar Wilde quote from a Company of Thieves song rings loud in my ear:

We are each our own devil, and we make this world our hell.

Speaking of demons from within, it excites me to find some progress in my faith walk, when God allowed me today to come to terms with one of my not-so-thought-about and unexpressed but deeply-rooted questions: “Why does God insist on being glorified?”

As I read through some texts about the topic, I found that this October 1984 sermon by John Piper to be most helpful.  And the way I understand it is this: God does not insist to be “glorified” as if he was a self-centered egomaniac, demanding his subjects to kiss his feet 24/7. 

First of all, it’s important to be aligned on why we glorify something in the first place, and the way C.S. Lewis explains this is that we would normally glorify (or praise or give honor to) anything that gives us enjoyment (“all enjoyment spontaneously overflows into praise”).Think about anything you admire or draw enjoyment from; wouldn’t you desire to express your appreciation to whoever is responsible for that thing/event/source of happiness?

Secondly, if one acknowledges that God is indeed the all-powerful, sovereign creator of all things and author of all of our lives, then surely He deserves all the honor and glory and praise above everything/everyone else! 

Thirdly, he asks us to glorify Him not for the sake of his ego (which he doesn’t have) nor for him to “feel good about himself” (which is usually why we humans seek affirmation or words of comfort). John Piper in this sermon also states it well:

God cannot be made more glorious or more beautiful than he is. He cannot be improved, “nor is he served by human hands, as though he needed anything” (Acts 17:25). Glorify does not mean add more glory to God.

From Max Anders:

If anything matters more to us than God, then we are giving higher glory to something else… and if that thing is taken away from us, as it may easily be, we are shattered…God wants us to grow, to increase, to “become,” to the point that we actually perceive His weight accurately, and accurately perceiving it, we glorify Him as the greatest value in life.

God instructs us (even the heavens and the skies above, see Psalm 19:1) to glorify Him because he wants us to stay focused on Him, for our own good. Because only by focusing on Him, on His goodness, mercy and grace, can we break free from our addiction to ourselves. And from my point of view, I’d say it’s the only way I know how to break free from my bondage from my Selfish Monster.