Because tonight, after another long while, I felt triggered by my own (chain of) behaviours again, and prompted to just take note of what I want to change...and God knows, maybe this time I won't forget.
Tonight's bible study was on 1 Kings 22, and some inspiring lessons from the story's characters include...
- From King Jehoshaphat: Ask God first! Before any decision, His opinion must have the greatest weight, we should always consult Him first.
- From the Lord's prophet Micaiah: Do not be afraid to deliver the God's message, even if there are possible consequences. (In his case, it was imprisonment.)
- From King Ahab: Know whose counsel to seek -- are your listening to Godly advice? Or are you just consulting people who you know will give you the advice you want to hear (but not necessarily good for you?) And if/when God gives you a "NO", how do you respond? Do you disregard the "no" and continue to do things your way? Or do you follow His instruction, even if the "no" is against your plan / instinct / desire?
What awesome reminders for day-to-day life!
However, as the sharings progressed through the night, and as I continued to listen to each lady's struggles as well as to my own voice, I was reminded of how un-joyful I've been in my own waiting (for God's direction). While I was so grateful to hear all the realizations that was so candidly brought to the table, I simultaneously felt turned off by how I shared my own struggles in hearing God's repetitive "no" in my life.
Not so much on what I said, but as I've come to notice more and more about myself, it's more about how I said / say things (i.e., attitude), that gives away what's innately in my heart.
Not so much on what I said, but as I've come to notice more and more about myself, it's more about how I said / say things (i.e., attitude), that gives away what's innately in my heart.
I complained as if I didn't trust God's plan (I do). I grumbled as if I didn't know of His capacity to give and love (I won't ever understand the full extent, but I know it's greater than I can ever imagine). I expressed envy about how Micaiah could so easily hear God's voice, as if I didn't know He speaks to us in different ways. I muttered and mumbled about what I've been "doing", but really, I know it's not about the laundry list of what we do/don't do that matters to Him, but how our hearts are transformed while we prayerfully, expectedly wait.
It's not far from what I was reflecting on the other night: About how embarrassing I can act when I let my expectations get ahead of myself. Instead of just enjoying and appreciating the things I CAN do while I'm pregnant -- my climbing, in particular -- I felt discouraged and down that I don't get to do it the level that I want to. Ugh. Talk about a very simple way of God saying "no" to me just for this season in my life, and me not being able to accept it!
In short, I am reminded that it's not about me and my issues on "is God for real or not?", but about me not really knowing His character enough, which just leads to my age-old, long-overdue homework of spending regular, quality quiet time with Him and His word.
So yes, the core of all my prayers as of late -- as He has been prompting me in the past 2-3 weeks -- is this: That I become diligent in doing my quiet time so that I get to know Him in ways I've never known Him before.
And after this evening's bible study, this prayer is supplemented with an objective: I pray the above so that, hopefully, I get to hear Him more clearly; so my heart's desire becomes aligned with His plans for me; and life stops becoming about repetitive cycles on waiting for God to say "yes" or "no" or "maybe".
When I stop focusing solely on complying with the prescribed steps to get certain results, perhaps I will find the joy in the process of discovering God's best.
