As I was driving home, thinking about the work week that has passed, I could almost hear my dear friend asking me in about a week’s time: “How did Jesus speak to you recently?”
Well I do feel that God spoke to me recently, last Saturday, during the anticipated mass. The day’s gospel was about The Parable of the Workers in the Vineyard (Matthew 20:1-16). It will sound lame, but I did empathize with the disgruntled workers, because I’m such a square and self-righteous person myself, always chasing after what is “fair” and “equal”, or even “equitable”.
But the priest impressed upon me how indeed the gospel was not about being fair, but about how the Lord is so very kind and generous in how he gives. And how we, too, should not be so obsessed about getting the right slice of the pie, but to simply be grateful that we have any pie to eat at all.
The gospel hit me not as the pie-eater, but as the pie-slicer (or baker, however you wanna view it). As a boss, I’m very particular about giving employees what is exactly due to them, and extra careful not to give too much to any one, for fear of being seen by others as “unfair” or having favorites. Worse, I realized that I oftentimes hold back giving, for fear that the act of generosity or kindness will be misinterpreted as a “company standard”, or set a precedent for similar scenarios in the future.
My mom, on the other hand, is a complete opposite. She gives without asking. She shares her time, her knowledge, and whatever treasures she has. She gives until there is hardly any left for her. Sometimes, there is really nothing left for her at all.
It’s just so unfortunate how her generosity has been abused, and now she is jaded and even more cautious than me when it comes to giving.
So Jesus spoke to me that day, and reminded me not to give a sh*t what other people think when I feel like giving. The world is too full of evil to have anyone put kindness on hold. There’s too much to be afraid of, to worry and cry about, to run and break down from, for anyone to edit-out generosity. I see the sadness everywhere I go. I am witness to the insecurities people have, resulting from a shortness of love and compassion. And with so much pain in this world, how will I be able to live with myself if I don’t exert any effort in trying to at least scrape off some of this pain?
I realized I must not limit the love I give away. If others feel that there is a limit to the compassion and understanding that we give to people who seem so undeserving of such love, then I’ll let that be their stand.
Meanwhile, I have a heart and hands of my own, and I am free to use them however I want.
Capping off with this Natalie Merchant song that never fails to overwhelm me with gratitude.
Just finished watching 'Dawn of the Planet of the Apes', and I must say, I was pleasantly surprised that I enjoyed it. I find that its story strikes at the heart of many conflicts we have today -- conflicts big and small; amongst families, friends, neighbors, organizations, businesses, countries, races -- whatever groups of people you can think of!
With the Palestenian-Israeli conflict running for decades, plus the recent tragedy of a civilian airline being shot down with its 295 innocent passengers, conflict has become THE theme that has cut through time and territory. And if one is not properly armed, it's so easy to fall into a state of depression because of how hopeless the world has become.
With so many sad news around us, in one of my pray dates, I shared about how I am sometimes overcome with guilt that I am not "affected enough" by such state of affairs.
Okay, forget about society's current events; even for issues that are closer to home, I would catch myself feeling guilty that I can go through my daily responsibilities feeling mostly at peace, hardly harassed or kept up at night.
Meanwhile, I would observe other people becoming high-strung and stressed by related issues and experiences.
I would ask myself: Am I insensitive and inconsiderate? Why am I at peace when the people around me are not? Are they seeing something I'm not? Am I apathetic or blind to the troubles that are right in front of me? Is there something wrong with me?
This verse offered me both comfort and humility:
Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
Philippians 4:6-7 NIV
Comfort because I did not need to understand everything that He does, as His thoughts are at a higher level than my own. Humility because while I claim to "not be affected" by things that I'm going through, I was obliviously worrying about WHY I was not worried, which is anxiety in itself.
The conclusion? Well, something that was emphasized to me again today, is to focus on things that are within my control, and to not worry about those that are beyond my control. Why allow my energy be depleted if I sincerely believe that He is sovereign?
And taking the cue from Caesar, we realistically cannot control the people around us, even if we are of the same race...even if we are "family". What's important is how we relate to EACH human / animal we come across, whether family or not. That we treat this person with love, offer trust, show respect -- because that's the only thing that matters in the end. Not our power or influence, but how much love we give away.
We all have our reasons for why we love different stuff, but here's why I love concerts:
Because for approximately two hours, I get completely lost in the vibrations and lyrics and lights. For the price of a concert ticket, I am permitted to throw all caution to the hazy wind and jump as much as I want and scream my lungs out even if I sing out of key. It's videoke at a national anthem level (I am Pinoy after all), singing alongside kindred spirits, and for those two hours, there is no war, just peace, love, and an unspoken understanding that we are all here to have a good time -- and respect each other for it.
I'm only grateful that I was able to experience this on one unlikely evening in April, eighteen years after I experienced the same high with the same band.
I describe it as "unlikely" because there was nothing special about April at all.
First of all, like I said, this band's last gig in the country was eighteen years ago, so who would have anticipated that they would be in Manila that month? Secondly, I had been in some sort of concert drought, not having watched anything in a looooong time for various reasons, though one can easily blame how "life" and "priorities" have changed. Thirdly, due to the gig's de-prioritization in my supposedly-mature adult life, me and my supposed-concert date -- my best friend (let's call her Stevie) who I watched the concert with when we were 13 years old -- ended up buying a different concert ticket date from mine, so it wasn't exactly the ideal reunion scenario I had in mind.
Fast forward to April 8, Stevie watches the first gig and gives me a blow-by-blow SMS update pre-show. The concert starts and she's silent. The concert ends, and she just says, "No words."
Fast forward again to April 11. There were three bands to do the front act but we only entered when the third band was playing. The place was overly packed, people seemed pre-occupied with booze and cocktails; simply not the concert vibe that I know. Meanwhile, I counted down until M&C was up...
And then it started. Those butterflies as the band steps onto the stage. Those goosebumps that go with realizing that something you've wanted for so long is just within your grasp, and within seconds of unfolding right before your eyes. At ang pinaka nakaka kilig sa lahat -- the first strum, the first bass pluck, the first drumbeat, or the first echo. In this case, it was the drum intro to "Sundays".
Listen to how "Sundays" starts off and see what I mean!
(Better yet, listen to the whole track and weep with me)
Immediately I understood why Stevie fell "silent" on her text messages to me.
From that moment, I time warped to when I was thirteen years old. I shocked myself that I still memorized most if not all of the lines from each song in the Lucky Dumpling album, and even Polyester from 12 Songs. I jumped up and down and up and down with a leather bag on my shoulder the whole time. I laughed at myself for forgetting that I'm NOT supposed to bring a bag to a concert! I shrieked and hooted and cheered at every chance, as if each additional decibel would yield a higher percentage chance of the band doing another gig in the next 24 hours. Oh, and did I say that I jumped up and down and up and down???
While each song seemed to carry an unexplained significance, my favorites for the night were "Koo Koo Koo", "Crazy Old World" and "Traveling Song".
Thinking more about it now, it was very liberating to sing-along to Koo Koo Koo's lines, which now strikes me as a very confident and cheerful way of saying "I'm my own self and I'm quirky and imperfect and I don't need to be like you and I'm aye-okay!" Slowing down to "Crazy Old World" in the middle of the super-energized night was an overwhelming reminder of how beautiful life and earth is, and to never forget to give due credit to its Creator. And "Traveling Song"? Can I just say I went crazy to how the band kept us hanging to the extended "I believeeeee..." and guitar strums so that we would go crazier once we all hit the chorus together: "...It is simple just being...FREE! Eeyow-eeyow-eeyow-ee-yee-ee-yow!"
There's no way possible I could recap the happiness of the night with mere words. Let me try to share my joy through some photos from camera phones ("unlikely" night, remember?) Much thanks to my sister for taking the pics and the whole group for waiting on me as I fan-girled after the gig. :)
Eeeeek, my view is blocked by camera phones!
Aaaaahhhhh finally, thank God, I see the guys :)
Stealing a shot of Jay-jay through all those videographers
Gugut! He looks much different without the long hair of the Lucky Dumpling photos ;)
Here we go!! Proudly showing off my memorabilia shirt from their 1997 concert.
They look amused, yiheeee!!!
My double-signed shirt! Bought and signed at the front and back in 1997;
signed again in 2014!
Check out my wide-eyed kilig smile even though no one is looking (yet)
Take two! Much better. HAPPINESS!!!
Let me go back to Sundays as I close this post. :)
I've lost once before / I'm older now Sometimes I cannot remember / Sometimes I cannot forget how I've lost once before / I'm older now But sometimes I forget my age Is there a yearning inside / that keeps the spirit free Is there a yearning inside / that reminds us we'll succeed - Sundays / Moonpools & Caterpillars
*****
If you got curious about Moonpools & Caterpillars from all my gushing, check out my favorite coverage of their recent visit:
All this under 15 minutes. Let me stop here before I never do. They say we should dream big, right?
***Inspired by a photo of Turkey's Cappadocia that a friend posted. How worked up I can get by a single image!!!
P.S. I can't believe I forgot to include meeting all my sports idols and watching all the international sports events. That's probably plus ten items in itself, at the very least.
Not a fan of One Republic. Not now, never have been. I always found 'Apologize' overly dramatic, and their live performances plain mediocre. Their tunes are catchy, I won't contest that. But I could never reconcile the emo appeal of their songs with their unpolished, ragged image; it just didn't seem to match, and for me, felt so contrived.
But this particular song grew on me. 'Counting Stars' wasn't a love-at-first-sound, and took a few listens before I caught myself singing along to it. Fast forward to today (about four months later -- I won't deny I was late to pick it up), I find myself paying more attention to the words and just re-playing the songs on YouTube. Even funnier (or lamer, or geekier, depending on how you wanna view it), I Googled for "song meanings" to see if any other people assessed the lyrics, and lo and behold, it had a plethora of interpretations.
I guess, with lyrics like these, one is just given all the stimulus and liberty to infer meaning.
I feel something so right
By doing the wrong thing
And I feel something so wrong
By doing the right thing
I couldn't lie, couldn't lie, couldn't lie
Everything that kills me makes me feel alive
Aren't you just urged to read between the lines? ;)
I've said this many times: I've never had an ambition.
When I was a kid, I never had a dream profession or job. I never envisioned myself to be a doctor, businessman, lawyer, writer, basketball player, artista, or politician. As I grew up, I was mostly just in the moment, learning about things as they came, enjoying wherever it is that I was, appreciating whatever it is that I had.
True, I would occasionally set my sights on certain goals, but I realize now that they would mostly be short-sighted -- ones that were realistic, purposefully calculated, within my reach, with (very) high chances of success.
If it's necessarily good or bad to be so careful, I'm not sure.
But recently, as I was reminded of a version of me that I once knew, and of certain adventures that have always taken my breath away, I felt a yearning to define the kind of life I want to live.
If it will involve the kind of images in this post, I'm not exactly sure. But right now, these photos of new friends' travels have sent my senses on fire, and have left me dreaming of an alternative life that just feels so far away, so lofty, so un-realistic, and way beyond my reach.
If it's necessarily good or bad to dream of having this kind of life, I'm not sure.
But I pray that my wondering mind is answered (sometime soon).
***All photos from http://onceuponaclimb.co.uk/stories/
